Description
Chilly, forced, and overdone, this mixed bag of modern classics, tarted-up traditional carols, and trio of tunes penned by Beyonce Knowles doesn’t conjure a single warm and fuzzy image of chestnuts roasting on an open fire or Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Rather, it’s just another forum to showcase the band’s Gucci bag of vocal gymnastics and crass materialism. The Texas trio takes seasonal classics like Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas,” “Silent Night,” and “Little Drummer Boy” and embellishes them with their own trills and off-kilter harmonies, obscuring the songs’ simple beauty. “On the eighth day of Christmas, my baby gave to me a pair of Chloe shades and a diamond belly ring,” brags Knowles in the title song, a takeoff on the “12 Days of Christmas,” without ever explaining why they lopped off four days. The band is shamelessly self-indulgent throughout the dozen songs found here, taking untold liberties, like renaming “Carol of the Bells” “Opera Bells” and recasting “Silver Bells” as “Platinum Bells” to reflect their multiplatinum status. But the low point of the record is when Destiny’s Child hawk their Hasbro-manufactured dolls in the intro of “Platinum Bells”: “Ladies, remember long ago we asked Santa to give us Christmas dolls? This year the dolls are you and me under the tree.” Humbug. –Jaan Uhelszki
